Eu

 I feel lonely. I am lonely.

I don't really have no one. But honestly, who does? I guess everyone's trying to survive. Everyone's trying to pretend they can make it in this world. Everyone's faking happiness, everyone's faking love. 

I think I would be naive to believe that romantic love exists. At the end of the day it's all about convenience and when we're not useful anymore, we can get discarded. There's no such thing as meaningful connection, no such thing as commitment. There's I need you now, and then there's I don't need you anymore, thank you for serving me.

I have depression, anxiety and some other shit going on in my mind. And I used to think I'd die to have a friend, but I'm learning that being alone is actually good. No one sees beyond my facade. No one know how I feel or what I'm thinking. No one can hurt me if I don't let them in. Or maybe they can.

I can be very talkative, but most of my life happens inside my head. Since I was a little girl all the dialogues of the make-believe games happened in my head, and I played alone. In my head I can imagine a different life, I can be whoever I want. Or at least I used to. I mean, I continue to live in my head, but now I can't imagine anymore.

Isolation can create a crazy mix of feelings. It's the desperation of human contact hoping to find empathy, it's the hope to find comfort and solution in a hug, it's the expectation of emptying my mind on the safety of a good listener. It is also the relief of knowing that no one is leaving you, because there's no one there to  begin with, it's the sensation of triumph over vulnerability for not being hurt, for not being made fun of, for not being called weak.

I used to think it was a matter of choosing my battles, but I'm not choosing this. I never chose to be depressed. I never chose to be so anxious that death feels like a much better option. I never chose to feel lonely. 

I never wanted to be this person.